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Talked on the phone with my mom.

Basically almost ended up crying, I mean I held in my tears but my voice gave it away. I choked up.

I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to live back home because I get no freedom, I’ll be putting up with the same shit for 18 years of my alcoholic dad, I believe I won’t be able to get straight A’s back at home and I can’t ever have friends over.

But I don’t want to live here either.

I don’t have friends here, I’m 90% all the time by myself, I have great grades but I’m mostly lonely but it’s so far away from home but I can have people come up to my room and chill sometimes but they always talk to my roommate and end up leaving me 

AND I JUST WISH I WAS 5 AGAIN. 

No one knows why I watch the sunset so much and why I observe it almost everyday.

When I was six or seven I saw my sister sitting on the couch against the window painting or drawing. I remember asking her what she was doing and she told me, “I’m drawing the sunset.” I asked her what a sunset was. And she told me the sky with the colors.

As I learned what the sunset was as a child at 6, 7, 8, 9, I enjoyed just watching it. My old house had this couch against the big window where you can sit on top of it, and watch the most beautiful sunsets. As a child, after I took a shower, the beautiful colors would shine through the window and I would be amazed. Sometimes I would go outside in the front or the backyard and watch it. All I thought was another day has gone passed and even as a child I cherished the sunsets. 

It reminds me of my childhood.

I honestly in the bottom of my heart, I feel like I will die as a lonely female. I mean it from the bottom of my heart, I honestly do believe there is no one out there for me. 

The sad part, I honestly believe it 100%. 

andthatlittleblackdress:

honestly sometimes in school people say the most ridiculous shit and I make this face and look somewhere at an imaginary camera like I’m on The Office

You guys have no idea how cool this day was.

Ok maybe not that great until this night but shit I met a nice cute guy today…

Shit well first I just did my homework, watched Anderson Cooper, did my homework, exercised and went to the library building to chill and listen to Prince Royce and do my homework. My laptop died and I decided to call my mom while walking back. As I entered my dorm building, there was this kid Mike at the front desk and he said hi but I ignored him and told my mom that I was going to call her back. 

I turned around and talked to Mike and there happened to be a boy standing at the desk talking to Mike and we all just talked and laughed our asses off. 

Then after Mike’s girlfriend and I chilled (which her names jenny too) and we laughed and chilled. Then the cute kid came back and we all talked and laughed and holy shit this Jenny girl tried setting me up with this kid (his named turned out to be Luis) and we literally talked and laughed and spoke Spanish and just had a blast.

But this Jenny girl was like “OH SHE’S SINGLE. SHE’S A FRESHMEN TOO. WHERE YOU GOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING SATURDAY?!”

And putting me on but shit I found it helpful. He asked for my number and made me laugh and smile and guys he is cute..

Ok well let me not get too happy because you know what happens..

We really opened up last night-well I did

Today was a long day. 

But listen guys. 
Last night, Jasmill and I went to the basketball game and I told her what happened at dinner that got me mad. 

And during the game, I knew something was wrong with her. She then told me if we can leave because she wasn’t feeling it.

So we left.

As we were walking back, she wanted to “talk” and ya tu sabe.

She talked about how she doesn’t like when I block her out and that I ignore her. She wants me to talk about how I feel and if I ever have a problem to talk it out. She told me that I’m a good friend and she doesn’t want to lose me because I’m the very few of her friends that I’m not materialistic, I’m fun and we both like high school musical, doing homework, we both like watching movies, we have a lot of things in common and that I’m nice and funny. 

When she told me that I got choked up. I told her right off the bat I don’t like talking about my feelings and I never really had a close friend as a girl because I always end up losing them and I think it’s my fault because I am the queen of ignoring people all my life. I told her I always hang out with guys and I don’t ever really talk about this shit and it’s difficult for me. But I see that she cares and I told her I’ll try. 

Yo guys I actually have a good friend as a girl and not a guy this time. LIKE for the first time. And she actually cares. 

I don’t know what else to say. 

No one really cares but

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So do you really want to know my day?

As stupid and selfish as it sounds but today sucked because of feelings. The feelings I have over this stupid boy who probably most likely doesn’t like me or want anything to do with me romantically, did something stupid last night.

My friend told me that her friend kissed him last night because they were both drunk and he told his friends that they did something last night, LIKE HAD SEX.

When she didn’t do anything with him.

And he told his friends he was so drunk his penis wouldn’t harden. Like no boner at all.

So she’s pissed and I’m heartbroken because I’m stupid and selfish. 

I’m not even mad. I actually feel bad for her because she said she didn’t do anything and he believed they did and hopefully she says something to him because SHE also likes this boy and yeah.

College for you there guys. 
I’m just the one in the back row, watching all this happen.

And I feel like shit too.